Raindrops are falling on my head...

About 4 years ago, I dated my first "real" boyfriend. None of that silly middle school stuff that I don't even want to think about. It was very strange and random. I had received text messages that was just small talk, until about the 3rd or 4th one. I thought it was a joke. Someone likes me? He likes me? I thought. But as usual, my defensive wall went up. Instead of risking gullibility or sounding like a ridiculous girly girl, I texted back "this could be a mean joke. How do I know this is really you?" So I saw him tomorrow.

Turned out it really was him. I was pretty much baffled. I didn't realize I was crush-worthy. But he was waiting for an answer. I didn't really have one. He was a nice guy, but I never thought of him as a boyfriend. Oh well. So we ended up holding hands. Maybe I'll develop feelings for him as we go along. And I did. We dated for 2 and a half years. With one of those years only seeing each other twice. That takes a lot of effort.

Today was an interesting day. It felt like taking a nice big breath.
Rain isn't so miserable with an umbrella and some rain booties.

Happy Earth Day, Mother Nature

The sky is one of my favorite shades of blue today, it's brilliantly sunny, and I saw people lounging at the pool during my run this morning. Very pretty.

I observed birds during lunch with a friend last weekend. They're pretty dumb, but I really wonder if it's our fault. I mean, it's been proven that birds, with a brain the size of about a walnut, can learn basic tasks and communicate. But now they eat butter laden biscuits and fatty sausages. I saw a bird fighting off and bullying other birds for a plastic packet of raspberry jam. They jump into trashcans in hopes of finding scraps that have probably been rotting in the heat of day. Poor dumb birdies.

I wonder how birds used to be before humans ruined things. Why, they were raptors.

What a terrible day to be Earth.

The Wall

I think I held on to one solitary resolution this year. I told myself that I would walk, instead of bus, to all my classes. And I have. Walked everywhere. But all my other so called 'promises', like "not complain as much" and this blog, was broken long ago. It makes me sad to know that I don't have the will power or dedication to myself. When I started this blog, I figured it would be an easier way to keep my mind clear. I broke that resolution without even knowing it.

It's hard to explain myself without sounding like an high school emo prat but I have a pretty thick wall of security. A sturdy stack of bricks reinforced with concrete. I rarely tell people my feelings, and I don't express them even to myself. I have this blog and a written journal, but I still keep too many thoughts in my head. I have a few theories of why that may be.

First, I am embarrassed and sometimes ashamed of what goes on. When I write/ type them down, there is no chance of denying and changing the thoughts. It's too concrete. Too tangible. I also hate being able to go back and read what I've written. It's like a future me going back in time to see how shitty I was a few years, months or even weeks ago. I often find it depressing. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to keep a blank book long enough to call a journal. I throw them out and shred them once I reread what I wrote a few months earlier.

People can also judge me too easily. If I don't feel good about my own thoughts, others can feel even worse. It's vain, I know, but I rather keep up a wall and be disliked than be disliked for a legitimate character flaw. I know I'm not the only who feels this way. I'm scrutinized too much as is anyway.

Lastly, I don't know who reads this blog and how often. What they read can offend them or start unnecessary trouble. Things start spreading, and start to become a mess. It's like in elementary school when kids started to have "crushes" on each other rather than fear cooties. You tell your best friend that you think some boy is cute, and then she tells other people, or better yet him, because she thinks she's doing you a favor and can maybe "hook you guys up." Breach of trust.

Trust is hard to gain, so it's just easier to mistrust the general population. Yup, including myself. Easy peezy.

Time machine

I finally had a good week. Last week I saw Bill Nye the Science Guy, got elected WIM secretary, and received great peer reviews on my scientific paper. I also was able to see my best friend for Easter, who I was in desperate need of spending time with. It was all very refreshing.

I hate it when this happens, and it always does afterward. I'm happy, but I tend to think about what could be different. What could have been done about 3 years ago to change what I am and how I feel today? Wasted opportunities, wasted moments. Everything was (and is) so off set and perfectly inconvenient.

Better in the long run? I don't know, but I can barely stop thinking about it.

The school year is coming to an end. I move into the new apartment in a few weeks. Frightening.

Irk

I remember when a 99 cent only store opened up down the street around the corner, my aunt bought everything from there. I went with her one day, and she spent $45. At the dollar store! Goes to show that little things add up.

Last Thursday, I had some time to see an HPO advisor. I told her I need a kick in the butt to tell me which direction I should decide on and what seems like a realistic goal. She glanced over my transcript, says "oh my" a few times, folded her hands on the desk and said, "from what I'm seeing in your science GPA, you're not a very competitive candidate for med school."

"Well that's what I came to talk to you about. Is it so far gone that med school is a wasted effort now?"

"Well you still have 2 years left here at UT,....but I see here that you brought in a 4.0 from a community college. Here's the thing: UT is a very research driven institution. The professors teach the material, but test you above the material....[blah blah blah] maybe a 4 year university like UT is just not for you. I'm suggesting, and I know you might not like to hear this, that you attend a different university to get your degree...."

My poker face was almost as good as when I saw the tallywacky patient with the exception of wetter eyeballs.

Last Friday, I opened a bottle of Vanilla Coke at my desk. It went ballistic and sprayed everything, including my computer. So I quickly grabbed a towel and dried everything up. Thankfully, only the number 7 key was really sticky. I tried to not mind. How often do I need to use it, anyway? Oh yea, my UTEID, my password, my biostatistics project...and so it drove me crazy. I Googled "how to fix sticky keyboard" to make sure I can do it right, and followed the directions. Popped of the number 7 key, and wiped the sticky coke off with a damp Q-tip. So now I don't have a sticky number 7 key anymore. But I also now don't have a number 7 key.

I have a big test on Tuesday, and I have one good study buddy from the class. He doesn't like my study buddy however, and forbids me to hang out with him. He gets grumpy every time and I understand why, but this is about my grades.

So I didn't really give a damn. I'm applying one year later than typical to allow some time to turn my grades into gold as an offering to med school admissions.