Closure

I was pretty crushed at the end of this winter break. I didn't expect it to end the way it did. Now the day of my birthday would always be the anniversary of my grandma's death. I loved her very much and felt incredibly guilty for not being able to see her before she died. I first cried when I remembered her voice saying "please remember to come visit me when you're not too busy studying, okay?" "Okay, okay," I'd say.

I felt like her funeral was not good enough for the life she lived and the woman she was. The second time I cried was when I saw her during viewing. It looked all wrong. They didn't make her look peaceful. It looked like someone forced her to go to sleep and left the lights on.

The last time I'd seen her was 2 years ago for Christmas. Her cheeks were still rosy and her hands were strong enough to clasp mine. Today I received an e-mail of a link to a Picasa web album from my dad. It was pictures my uncle had uploaded from her birthday this year, 10 days before she died. I'm sure if anyone else saw these pictures, they'd laugh at how almost comical she looked. She looked barely human. I could clearly see the anatomy of the hand opening the presents. Her face was just a skull covered by a layer of thin fragile skin. I couldn't see how she managed to smile for the camera, but when she did, it looked almost scary.

It broke my heart, and this is the first time I'd cried since her funeral. But seeing her state of health made me realize that it was truly her time to go. I was just being selfish and thought that it wasn't fair not being able to see her as often as I wanted to. She was celebrating her 93rd birthday in those pictures and had lived long enough to see great grandchildren.

Here's to a new semester.

Resolutions are for chumps.

2009 apparently consisted of every month except September, November, and December. I couldn't even blog every month.

I guess I can talk about how my grades keep killing my chances of being a doctor and how that's beating my morale to the ground. Or how I love to hate people. Or how I want to give up carbonated drinks and deep fried foods. But I don't think reflecting on last year is worth the effort. Nor is making a resolution. What's the point of retrospection or making promises and goals I know I won't or can't keep? It's more like pessimistic prospection, and I really don't think that's all so bad.

Or let's not say "pessimistic". I like "realistic precaution" more.