Plan B is Plan A

Someone told me that having a Plan B prevents me from achieving plan A. If your Plan A is put back, you should never fall to Plan B because that means you never wanted Plan A enough to put everything you have into it.

Everything.

Shut up, conscience.

So we were standing in line for voting, chit chatting about nothing when I heard a thud behind me. A few feet away, a girl had collapsed, and everyone in line freaked. Only about 2-3 people came forward to help and everyone else stood their place in line, just looking at the scene.

Like me.

My mind said "Go to her! You're trained and certified! They're giving her water! They shouldn't be giving her water when she's laying on the floor. She could choke! Is she conscious?"

As I stood there, the white robed figure on my shoulder said, "You know what you're doing better than they do. Go help her. You know how. Don't just stand there."

On my other shoulder, Mr. Pitchfork whispered, "It's no big deal. She's fine. There are already plenty of people helping her. She's not even that bad." But as I continued to stand there looking at the scene security came out with the AED. I know how to work defibrillators. Did she need a defib? She's still on the floor. Was she "fine" as my conscience tried to convince me?

I left the scene. Went outside. Felt like I failed as a student aspiring to enter the medical field. Failed as human for another human. I didn't even take a step to get help if I wasn't going to help her. Victim to the bystander effect. I choked. It was pathetic.

How will I continue to believe that I want to help people when I stood around making excuses for not doing so, in what might have been the most threatening situation?

There again

That point that so many college students have. Where I panic, sweat profusely, swell my eyes out in tears, and can feel the question marks floating around an otherwise empty head. What am I doing? Am I doing what I want? Am I capable to stay on this path I chose?

Honestly, no.

It's sad to say, but I always knew that I was nothing phenomenal. Everything before college is a joke. There was no measure of intelligence in school, my high GPA meant nothing. Standardized tests and curriculum was just shit that made piles of more shit. Terrible. I can't seem to get anything more than an 87 in college. Why can't I break that 89 barrier?

So how do I get past this slump? How does society maintain any kind of status with everyone getting dumber?

So now I'm debating switching from the College of Natural Sciences to the School of Business as an attempt to avoid rejection from the myriad of medical schools that I'll waste application fees on. Problem is, getting into UT's school of business is just as damn hard. The minimum GPA accepted last year was 3.6. The average was a 3.8. Even if I do get accepted, will my 2 years of science courses go to waste? Will I end up graduating when I'm 24?

What do I do....
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Edit: Fuck that. I'm staying.

Pumpkins scream in the dead of night

Halloween night was much too long. I was was running on 4 hours of restless sleep, my allergies made me feel like a floating head, and my eyes were swelling out of it's sockets. We cruised around, for the longest time pumpkin hunting and my friend got a gun pulled on him because he thought bikes were cooler than pumpkins. Not even a big deal. Buzz kill though. But that's okay. We met up with more peeps and used another car, continued the pumpkin picking, listened to terrible loud rap music, and then smashed our vegetables into walls and on the ground. It was a big mess in poor someone's parking lot.

This juvenile delinquency doesn't give me the excitement it used to. It was actually kind of annoying. I just wanted to sleep. It was 6 am before my head was able to hit a pillow. I don't even think that the pumpkin smashing was that amusing even though it was the highlight of the night. Actually, it was the ridiculous music that I happened to listen to. Maybe late night delirium got to me, but I found two songs just absolutely hilarious and could not stop the chuckle I get inside every time I think about it. It was pretty much a Mad Lib of "I got ____, I got ballz..." I got hoes, I got ballz. I got pumpkins, I got ballz. No education, I got ballz. Piece of shit, but I got ballz... (improv)

Still makes life interesting. Before the night was over, someone asked me, "How do you put up with us boys?" How indeed. They're savages. That's all I've really experienced though. I never was able to have a female that was close enough to call a good friend. And it's not to say that I don't try. It's sad.

Today was kind of nice though. I slept until about 4 pm and was finally able to spend some quiet time alone. I did watch the Texas v. Texas Tech game though. It was intense; we lost by a touchdown with one second left on the clock. Tech was penalized twice for crowd conduct because those Raiders flooded the field before that second was up and a few superfluous kicks later, we officially lost our number on spot and perfect season. Good times.

Alone time is taken for granted.