I think I held on to one solitary resolution this year. I told myself that I would walk, instead of bus, to all my classes. And I have. Walked everywhere. But all my other so called 'promises', like "not complain as much" and this blog, was broken long ago. It makes me sad to know that I don't have the will power or dedication to myself. When I started this blog, I figured it would be an easier way to keep my mind clear. I broke that resolution without even knowing it.
It's hard to explain myself without sounding like an high school emo prat but I have a pretty thick wall of security. A sturdy stack of bricks reinforced with concrete. I rarely tell people my feelings, and I don't express them even to myself. I have this blog and a written journal, but I still keep too many thoughts in my head. I have a few theories of why that may be.
First, I am embarrassed and sometimes ashamed of what goes on. When I write/ type them down, there is no chance of denying and changing the thoughts. It's too concrete. Too tangible. I also hate being able to go back and read what I've written. It's like a future me going back in time to see how shitty I was a few years, months or even weeks ago. I often find it depressing. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to keep a blank book long enough to call a journal. I throw them out and shred them once I reread what I wrote a few months earlier.
People can also judge me too easily. If I don't feel good about my own thoughts, others can feel even worse. It's vain, I know, but I rather keep up a wall and be disliked than be disliked for a legitimate character flaw. I know I'm not the only who feels this way. I'm scrutinized too much as is anyway.
Lastly, I don't know who reads this blog and how often. What they read can offend them or start unnecessary trouble. Things start spreading, and start to become a mess. It's like in elementary school when kids started to have "crushes" on each other rather than fear cooties. You tell your best friend that you think some boy is cute, and then she tells other people, or better yet him, because she thinks she's doing you a favor and can maybe "hook you guys up." Breach of trust.
Trust is hard to gain, so it's just easier to mistrust the general population. Yup, including myself. Easy peezy.
4 comments:
Cop out. Throw caution/common sense to the wind and bash a little!
Don't listen to him. He hides stuff, too.
I think writing down your thoughts is healthy, though, even if you don't want to look at them. I get that you don't want to look back at what you've written, because I've done it numerous times and just wanted to beat my past self up, but you've just got to learn to laugh at yourself.
I personally have my blog which people can read and my diary which I write things I'm not so proud of in. Like you said, getting things out clears your head.
But anyway, my brick wall and your brick wall should hang out, and we can make a fortress. Niiice.
Hide stuff in the open; be super sneaky about it so that the people who read it don't even know that you wrote it about them!
And it's all a huge joke. You ought to save your old writings so that you can look back and laugh at them later.
Gabe, I KNEW that one post was about me! >=[
Ash, lets make a No-Boys-Allowed fortress.
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