Closure

I was pretty crushed at the end of this winter break. I didn't expect it to end the way it did. Now the day of my birthday would always be the anniversary of my grandma's death. I loved her very much and felt incredibly guilty for not being able to see her before she died. I first cried when I remembered her voice saying "please remember to come visit me when you're not too busy studying, okay?" "Okay, okay," I'd say.

I felt like her funeral was not good enough for the life she lived and the woman she was. The second time I cried was when I saw her during viewing. It looked all wrong. They didn't make her look peaceful. It looked like someone forced her to go to sleep and left the lights on.

The last time I'd seen her was 2 years ago for Christmas. Her cheeks were still rosy and her hands were strong enough to clasp mine. Today I received an e-mail of a link to a Picasa web album from my dad. It was pictures my uncle had uploaded from her birthday this year, 10 days before she died. I'm sure if anyone else saw these pictures, they'd laugh at how almost comical she looked. She looked barely human. I could clearly see the anatomy of the hand opening the presents. Her face was just a skull covered by a layer of thin fragile skin. I couldn't see how she managed to smile for the camera, but when she did, it looked almost scary.

It broke my heart, and this is the first time I'd cried since her funeral. But seeing her state of health made me realize that it was truly her time to go. I was just being selfish and thought that it wasn't fair not being able to see her as often as I wanted to. She was celebrating her 93rd birthday in those pictures and had lived long enough to see great grandchildren.

Here's to a new semester.

Resolutions are for chumps.

2009 apparently consisted of every month except September, November, and December. I couldn't even blog every month.

I guess I can talk about how my grades keep killing my chances of being a doctor and how that's beating my morale to the ground. Or how I love to hate people. Or how I want to give up carbonated drinks and deep fried foods. But I don't think reflecting on last year is worth the effort. Nor is making a resolution. What's the point of retrospection or making promises and goals I know I won't or can't keep? It's more like pessimistic prospection, and I really don't think that's all so bad.

Or let's not say "pessimistic". I like "realistic precaution" more.

Most important meal of the day.

I poured myself a bowl of cereal this morning for breakfast. I turned around to put the milk in the fridge and knocked down the entire bowl.

Cereal went everywhere.

So I cleaned it up, made myself another bowl, and continued with my day.

I always thought they came pre-trained.

It’s been a while since I blogged. It just doesn’t provide the therapy it used to. I’m looking at more effective methods now. I also considered making this blog private because uncouth readers are cause of uncouth comments.

Speaking of uncouth, are first impressions really not that important anymore? Some argue that first impressions don’t provide adequate evidence to judge a person. But when it’s a bad first impression, what makes people want to stay around to find out anyway? I often forget that I’m not just me anymore. I’m part of another, he’s a part of me, and the image comes as a whole. The looks that he got, and then the subsequent looks that I got made me feel like the fool that he was portraying.

I also forgot that he doesn’t know what my choice friends are like because I wasn’t allowed to have friends until now. I guess it’s understandable that he just thought he can talk to them like his own friends. He told me he was never taught manners, and that he was only taught to succeed. Manners aren’t what fork to use on what dish; it’s knowing how to act, when and where. Apparently that’s not something of common sense. So the resolution is that I have to prime/ cue him ahead of time. Tell him specifically how to act. I had to accept this as a solution, but I woke up this morning feeling depressingly disappointed. Since when did I have to train a 20 year old man?

2 broken chairs and 9-2 burnt bodies

I realized that people really do have complete opposites of each other. Real mirror images. The genders are switched. He's more like me, she's more like him. I want him to be nicer for us to work, she wants him meaner to work. And now, we're all working, I guess. Weird.

I've always loved da beach. I was in waves almost every weekend as a kid. The cool ocean breeze made me breathe better. But Padre...Too humid. Sand of not the ideal texture. Smelly. I've never been sun burnt before either. It's an interesting feeling.

Still, I truly had a good time. I was told that I seem very patient and tolerant. I never actually thought about how 'tolerant' I am with a particular group of people. I still don't know if I'd call it a tolerance. What would we be without our "eccentricities"?

If it's not Baroque, don't fix it.

It was that night. Poof. Epiphany. It took one simple sentence.

Of course, whenever I say something, it's "nagging," but if it comes from anyone else at all, it's constructive. What's up with that? Someone please explain why girlfriends can't get through to their significant others about fundamental issues, but anyone else can. I find that kind of backwards. If you care about your girlfriend, why not listen to what she has to say and take it to heart as much as, if not more than, what other people have to say? Either way, it happened, and I didn't exactly know what to make of it.

It's different. I know he needs time to be this new person. I know it's a whole reconstruction. That's why I felt terrible when I snapped. I never felt more like a cliche bitch. I hated that person, and I was her before I knew it.

Baby steps. I need them too. I'm not used to it, so when he slips, my mind automatically jumps to how he used to think. I don't believe his sincerity, because it was so rare to come by before. I think he reverts, so I again try to fix it. A new view is needed. Open minds on both parts.

But it's remarkable. It's like, he finally got it. He finally appreciates what he has, and put an honest effort into making it ideal. And I finally appreciate his true efforts.

I think I'm in love, but it makes me kinda nervous to say so.

The secret to women

Guys seem to complain about the how complicated women are. They seem to think that there's nothing you can do to suffice a woman. If you score well in one area, there's still another void to fill. There are many theories and/or myths of how to make a girl happy, but let me put forth my theory of men first. From my own observations and various outrageously objective accounts (from both males and females), men have a few primary interests. These are things that have been boiled down to the least common denominator; Sex, food, and video games (I'll include sports of equal importance with videogames). With that gently put, keep an open mind to my proposal. I understand it is the sheer nature of man to put emphasis on procreation and survival. It's an evolutionary trait. And I propose the third because it is also a primal need to keep the mind working, entertained, and excercised.

So what exactly do people think the wants of women are? Sometimes people say "women want men to buy them things." Relationships with women become something of a monetary investment, but we can bring that down to nature's evolution also. A ring isn't just a piece of ice on her left hand. It is more of a reassurance that the man has the financial stability to take care of her, the bearer of his children, as well as the said children.

That is the observation and the qualification, but this assertion can be viewed in different and simpler facets. When men say "buy them things," the mind goes to a dozen roses, jewelry, fancy dinners. That's cliche, unoriginal, and too often a copout. You can pick up her favorite ice cream on your way home for after dinner dessert and have a better effect than flowers on Valentines day. $2.50? That's it? She's not going to see any significance in that. Au contraire. Remembering her favorite ice cream, candy bar, etc., shows that you cared enough to listen and notice. The little things do matter. I know I've blogged about the need for 'little things' before.

Another observation is that women want gentlemen, but subconciously need abuse. This is inconvenient because they're such strong contradictions. Abuse is too harsh of a word. I shamelessly speak from experience, and I apologize to all the 'nice guys' out there. I know you too often get screwed over for the douchebag. Women want gentlemen, but also someone with balls and can take control. This again reiterates the inherent need of women to have a man who is supportive. I know that with the turn of time, women have become more empowered and independent, but if there's a man in her life, shouldn't he be the man?

Women don't want sex enough. Well that's just too bad. That is the holy grail that no one can seem to find. I'm sure that it's not a matter of enjoyment. It's just less hardwired into our nature as compared to men; a matter of testosterone. We have agendas other than men's basic 3. Well then what are your agendas? That is up to the woman, and everyone, including men, have their own aspirations, personalities, etc.

With all of the above, please consider the following.

I think most women can agree on 3 basics in a man; strong supporter, attentive to detail, and courteous. There it is spelled out. This is my own simple theory that again reduces things to the least common denominator, but I believe it encompasses most of the complaints that may arise in a relationship. By adhering to the 3, there can be a healthy exchange of wants. With courtesy, she can respect that you respect her refusal for sex. Being a strong supporter will most likely keep the relationship going on longer. With attention to detail, you can enjoy her expression of appreciation (in the form of sex, a good meal, whatever). So I guess that the secret to women is that there is no "secret to women" and there's nothing to "figure out." The secret to making a woman happy isn't in the woman as much as it is in the relationship. The need of woman is man, and man woman. Needs should be catered to each other.

I guess there are those rare finds, too. The gal that is frequently kinky, makes a good meal, and can trade Pokemon anytime. But there's no lie, men will eventually find something lacking in her after the initial chase or in the long run. Therefore, I can conclude that men can be more complicated and needy than we are.

I believe I blogged about that before also.